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Remembering - April 03, 2006
10 Months - January 20, 2006
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7 Months - October 18, 2005
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Remembering April 03, 2006

Now that Benjamin is a year old, I've found myself thinking a great deal about where I was last year at this time of year. I keep finding myself remembering the events that transpired the night Benji was born.

For months now I've questioned what happened that night. Why did our homebirth fail? What did I do wrong? Am I not cut out for childbearing? These are some of the questions that have been floating around in my head.

I listened to an interesting podcast recently, and I learned an important lesson. The speaker who did the podcast talked about how desparate we humans are to have control over our lives and how oftentimes that desire to have control manifests itself as feined submission. I know that sounds weird, but I'll try to explain...Sometimes we humans think that if we do certain things, God will be obligated to do certain things in return.

I thought that if I had my homebirth in faith that God would protect me and my baby from any complications, then God would be obligated to provide me with the charming little homebirth I envisioned. I never truly asked the Lord for the homebirth I was hoping for, I just expected him to provide it because I was doing my part. It seems so foolish to me now, but I just could not see the error in my thinking back then. I hope that when the Lord decides I am ready to have a second child, I will be able to joyfully accept whatever He chooses.

Links
15 wk Ultrasound
23 wk Ultrasound
Nursery Pic
Dad's Baby Pic